A Supplicant is Receiving a Holy Blessing (please remain quiet and remove your shoes)

SCENE: PASSING CLOUDS MARTIAL ARTS MONASTERY (THE YELLOW ORCHID)



A SHAVEN HEADED HOLY MAN IS SEATED IN THE LOTUS POSITION ON A SMALL RAISED PLATFORM. A MONK, LEAPING TIGER, LIES PROSTRATE AT HIS FEET.



HOLY MAN: I hear you are unhappy with our ways, Leaping Tiger.

LEAPING TIGER: I am unworthy, oh Holy One.

HOLY MAN: That is indeed so. The path to enlightenment requires that two feet take the same journey - both must follow the sacred route. But I have watched your progress with interest and see that you have learned many things while you have been here.

LEAPING TIGER: I have learned the skills of a warrior, My Lord. Fleetness of foot and sharpness of mind - I can outrun my very own shadow but have failed in my duty to you. There is a new challenge I now must face.

HOLY MAN: The snow leopard faces many trials in his life, Leaping Tiger. But It is not the spot on his coat that betrays him, it is his footprint in the snow. What is this new challenge you must face?

LEAPING TIGER: Scunthorpe United.

HOLY MAN: (pause) The FA cup.

LEAPING TIGER: Yes My Lord, the fourth round replay.

HOLY MAN: There are many demons at our door, these dark days, and this house cannot live on the good charity of village folk alone. I have observed the nimble trickery you possess when the gift of a loaf is laid at your feet.

LEAPING TIGER: The Ronaldo chop My Lord.

HOLY MAN: Be that as it may, but it is not what the village folk regard as humble thanks when they donate the loaf. (pause) You will not be kept against your will and I will assist in your yearning for higher excellence. I have spoken to His Holiness Mick McCarthy at Wolverhampton Wanderers, he has a mid-field holding role for you to occupy.

LEAPING TIGER: But I am promised to Derby County.

HOLY MAN: And golden days before they end will whisper secrets to the wind.

LEAPING TIGER: The words of Lama Qui - The Supreme Master.

HOLY MAN: Roy Orbison.

LEAPING TIGER: Then I will follow the path to Wolverhampton, My Lord, and seek out holy Mick.

THE HOLY MAN PRODUCES A WOODEN CASKET AND GIVES IT TO LEAPING TIGER.

HOLY MAN: I have delivered you as a man and mighty warrior - you are no longer the young boy who first entered this house. Guard this casket with your life, it may be your salvation.

LEAPING TIGER: (overwhelmed) The golden sword of Lama Qui!

HOLY MAN: Counterfeit DVD’s - Thirty Titanics, ten Goldfingers and a Miss Marple box set.

LEAPING TIGER: Only the Lonely - My Lord.