Live Interview from St Dudno Monestary Gardens

Scene: EXT. MONESTARY GARDEN

A monk, dressed in bee keeping clothes, is standing next to a bee hive.

A TV interviewer with a microphone, also dressed in bee keeping clothes, is by standing him. At the top of the shot a furry microphone can be seen, poking forward on a pole.

INTERVIEWER: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I’m here in the gardens of St Dudno Abbey to speak with Father Rab (points to the monk) to learn something about the mysteries of bee keeping, and in particular, (teasingly) the ancient practice of whispering to the bees.

FATHER RAB: (heavy Glaswegian accent) Aye.

INTERVIEWER: Father Rab, Tell us something about this ancient practice of whispering to the bees, and what can be learned from it.

FATHER RAB: Ah huv mah wee smokey thing here. (points to smoke gun) It gives the bees a wee soothing moment, and I’m able to whisper to them, ye ken.

SOUND FX: ANGRY SOUND OF BEES, BZZZZZZ!

SOUND FX: SMOKE GUN: PUFF-PUFF-PUFF

SOUND FX: QUIETER SOUND OF BEES. BUZ-BUZ-BUZ.

FATHER RAB: As yah can see the wee beasties huv become more settled. Ah can huv a wee whisper with them, the noo.

INTERVIEWER: Fascinating!

FATHER RAB: Ah ya wee beatsties, let me whisper a wee blether in yah tiny lug-holes. Is it to be a fine day today? mah wee friends.

SOUND FX: (RISING INFLECTION) BZZZ-BZZZ-BZZZ!

FATHER RAB: Oh I’m so glad to hear that. And has Brother Stephen been looking after you well while I’ve been away.

SOUND FX: (FALLING INFLECTION) BUZZ-BUZZ-BUZZ

FATHER RAB: Oooh, I’m sad to hear you say that. But did he speak kind things of me?

SOUND FX: (RISING INFLECTION) BZZZ-BZZZ-BZZZ!

FATHER RAB: Did he speak of my smouldering eyes and sturdy thighs?

SOUND FX: (RISING INFLECTION) BZZZZZ-BZZZZZ!

INTERVIEWER: (to camera, urgently) Keep rolling!

FATHER RAB: OH, Brother Stephen! (again to the bees) And did he speak of tonight, when the moon is full, and our meeting in the potting shed?

SOUND FX: (excitedly) BZZZZZZZZZZ!- BZZZ.!

A PROTRUBERENCE IS SEEN GROWING FROM THE CENTRAL AREA OF FATHER RAB’S HABIT

INTERVIEWER: (to camera crew) This is history!

FATHER RAB (reaching to the bulge in his habit) And did he purse his fulsome, ruby red lips, when he spoke of our moments of fondness in the shed?

SOUND FX: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

FATHER RAB REACHES INTO HIS HABIT TO GRAB THE PROTUBERENCE.

INTERVIEWER (to camera crew): This is it!

FATHER RAB PRODUCES A SLEDGE HAMMER FROM WITHIN HIS HABIT AND SMASHES IT DOWN ON THE BEE HIVE.

FX: SMASH-SMASH-SMASH!

FX: BZZZ-BZZZ-BZZZ!

FX: SMASH-SMASH-SMASH!

FX: BZZZ

FX:SMASH

FX (dying away) BZZzzzz

FATHER RAB (reaching into the hive) Aye, and that’s how we manage to tease away the honey from the wee darlings.

INTERVIEWER: (coughing) Jesus Christ! Cut!