Star Voyager - The Time Tunnel

Live Interview from St Dudno Monestary Gardens

Scene: EXT. MONESTARY GARDEN

A monk, dressed in bee keeping clothes, is standing next to a bee hive.

A TV interviewer with a microphone, also dressed in bee keeping clothes, is by standing him. At the top of the shot a furry microphone can be seen, poking forward on a pole.

INTERVIEWER: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I’m here in the gardens of St Dudno Abbey to speak with Father Rab (points to the monk) to learn something about the mysteries of bee keeping, and in particular, (teasingly) the ancient practice of whispering to the bees.

FATHER RAB: (heavy Glaswegian accent) Aye.

INTERVIEWER: Father Rab, Tell us something about this ancient practice of whispering to the bees, and what can be learned from it.

FATHER RAB: Ah huv mah wee smokey thing here. (points to smoke gun) It gives the bees a wee soothing moment, and I’m able to whisper to them, ye ken.

SOUND FX: ANGRY SOUND OF BEES, BZZZZZZ!

SOUND FX: SMOKE GUN: PUFF-PUFF-PUFF

SOUND FX: QUIETER SOUND OF BEES. BUZ-BUZ-BUZ.

FATHER RAB: As yah can see the wee beasties huv become more settled. Ah can huv a wee whisper with them, the noo.

INTERVIEWER: Fascinating!

FATHER RAB: Ah ya wee beatsties, let me whisper a wee blether in yah tiny lug-holes. Is it to be a fine day today? mah wee friends.

SOUND FX: (RISING INFLECTION) BZZZ-BZZZ-BZZZ!

FATHER RAB: Oh I’m so glad to hear that. And has Brother Stephen been looking after you well while I’ve been away.

SOUND FX: (FALLING INFLECTION) BUZZ-BUZZ-BUZZ

FATHER RAB: Oooh, I’m sad to hear you say that. But did he speak kind things of me?

SOUND FX: (RISING INFLECTION) BZZZ-BZZZ-BZZZ!

FATHER RAB: Did he speak of my smouldering eyes and sturdy thighs?

SOUND FX: (RISING INFLECTION) BZZZZZ-BZZZZZ!

INTERVIEWER: (to camera, urgently) Keep rolling!

FATHER RAB: OH, Brother Stephen! (again to the bees) And did he speak of tonight, when the moon is full, and our meeting in the potting shed?

SOUND FX: (excitedly) BZZZZZZZZZZ!- BZZZ.!

A PROTRUBERENCE IS SEEN GROWING FROM THE CENTRAL AREA OF FATHER RAB’S HABIT

INTERVIEWER: (to camera crew) This is history!

FATHER RAB (reaching to the bulge in his habit) And did he purse his fulsome, ruby red lips, when he spoke of our moments of fondness in the shed?

SOUND FX: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

FATHER RAB REACHES INTO HIS HABIT TO GRAB THE PROTUBERENCE.

INTERVIEWER (to camera crew): This is it!

FATHER RAB PRODUCES A SLEDGE HAMMER FROM WITHIN HIS HABIT AND SMASHES IT DOWN ON THE BEE HIVE.

FX: SMASH-SMASH-SMASH!

FX: BZZZ-BZZZ-BZZZ!

FX: SMASH-SMASH-SMASH!

FX: BZZZ

FX:SMASH

FX (dying away) BZZzzzz

FATHER RAB (reaching into the hive) Aye, and that’s how we manage to tease away the honey from the wee darlings.

INTERVIEWER: (coughing) Jesus Christ! Cut!

A Supplicant is Receiving a Holy Blessing (please remain quiet and remove your shoes)

SCENE: PASSING CLOUDS MARTIAL ARTS MONASTERY (THE YELLOW ORCHID)



A SHAVEN HEADED HOLY MAN IS SEATED IN THE LOTUS POSITION ON A SMALL RAISED PLATFORM. A MONK, LEAPING TIGER, LIES PROSTRATE AT HIS FEET.



HOLY MAN: I hear you are unhappy with our ways, Leaping Tiger.

LEAPING TIGER: I am unworthy, oh Holy One.

HOLY MAN: That is indeed so. The path to enlightenment requires that two feet take the same journey - both must follow the sacred route. But I have watched your progress with interest and see that you have learned many things while you have been here.

LEAPING TIGER: I have learned the skills of a warrior, My Lord. Fleetness of foot and sharpness of mind - I can outrun my very own shadow but have failed in my duty to you. There is a new challenge I now must face.

HOLY MAN: The snow leopard faces many trials in his life, Leaping Tiger. But It is not the spot on his coat that betrays him, it is his footprint in the snow. What is this new challenge you must face?

LEAPING TIGER: Scunthorpe United.

HOLY MAN: (pause) The FA cup.

LEAPING TIGER: Yes My Lord, the fourth round replay.

HOLY MAN: There are many demons at our door, these dark days, and this house cannot live on the good charity of village folk alone. I have observed the nimble trickery you possess when the gift of a loaf is laid at your feet.

LEAPING TIGER: The Ronaldo chop My Lord.

HOLY MAN: Be that as it may, but it is not what the village folk regard as humble thanks when they donate the loaf. (pause) You will not be kept against your will and I will assist in your yearning for higher excellence. I have spoken to His Holiness Mick McCarthy at Wolverhampton Wanderers, he has a mid-field holding role for you to occupy.

LEAPING TIGER: But I am promised to Derby County.

HOLY MAN: And golden days before they end will whisper secrets to the wind.

LEAPING TIGER: The words of Lama Qui - The Supreme Master.

HOLY MAN: Roy Orbison.

LEAPING TIGER: Then I will follow the path to Wolverhampton, My Lord, and seek out holy Mick.

THE HOLY MAN PRODUCES A WOODEN CASKET AND GIVES IT TO LEAPING TIGER.

HOLY MAN: I have delivered you as a man and mighty warrior - you are no longer the young boy who first entered this house. Guard this casket with your life, it may be your salvation.

LEAPING TIGER: (overwhelmed) The golden sword of Lama Qui!

HOLY MAN: Counterfeit DVD’s - Thirty Titanics, ten Goldfingers and a Miss Marple box set.

LEAPING TIGER: Only the Lonely - My Lord.

Live from the Hunter Conference Centre

Retail

SCENE: THE HUNTER  CONFERENCE ROOM ARRANGED IN THE MANNER OF A FASHION SHOW. THERE IS A STAGE IN THE BACKGROUND WITH A RUNWAY EXTENDING INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE AUDIENCE AREA. TO ONE SIDE OF THE STAGE IS A LECTERN WITH MICROPHONE.

JASON VAN DE CURLING-TONG, THE MASTER OF CEREMONIES, ATTENDS THE LECTERN.

JASON: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen; representatives of the volume retail trade.

(Jason sweeps his arm, with a flourish, toward the stage curtain, which is picked out by a spotlight)

JASON: (continued) The 2009 range of mobile retail acquisition solutions.

THE CURTAINS PART AND A BLOND BIMBO FLOUNCES ONTO THE STAGE PUSHING A SHOPPING TROLLEY. THE BIMBO PROCEDES DOWN THE RUNWAY.

JASON: The Caravelle, ladies and gentlemen. Lightweight construction with four point hydro-lastic muti-turn wheels.

NODS OF APPROVAL FROM THE CROWD AS THE BIMBO REACHES THE END OF THE RUNWAY AND SWEEPS THE TROLLEY IN AN ARC (HOVER LAWN MOWER STYLE) AND THEN PROCESSES BACK UP THE RUNWAY.

JASON: The Ambassador.

A HEAVIER BUILT LADY ENTERS PUSHING A LARGE TROLLEY.

JASON: Deep fill with shopping list clip-board attachment.

MORE NODS OF APPROVAL AS THE HEAVIER LADY PASSES THE BIMBO HALF WAY ALONG THE RUNWAY. AT THE END OF THE RUNWAY, SHE SPINS THE TROLLEY 360 DEGREES WITH A FLICK OF HER HAND, DRAWING GASPS OF AMAZEMENT FROM THE AUDIENCE.

JASON: The Buckingham.

A QUEEN ELIZIBETH 11 LOOK-ALIKE ENTERS THE STAGE. DRESSED IN ERMINE ROBES AND WEARING A CROWN. SHE IS PUSHING A GOLD PLATED TROLLEY. LOUD GASPS ARE HEARD FROM THE AUDIENCE.

JASON: Gold plated with medium fill basket. The Buckingham incorporates Queue Jumper technology, as standard.

THE QUEEN PASSES THE HEAVY LADY HALF WAY ALONG THE RUNWAY, AND CONTINUES TO THE END.

JASON: The Birkenhead.

AN OLDER LADY WEARING HEAD SCARF, OVERCOAT AND BEDROOM SLPPERS ENTERS. SHE IS PUSHING A SLIGHLY SMALLER TROLLEY.

JASON: Shallow fill basket with anti theft detection. The handle incorporates a laminated finger print reader and CS gas dispenser.

THE OLD LADY PASSES THE QUEEN WHOSE TROLLEY EXTENDS AN HYDRAULIC RAM, PUSHING THE OLD LADY OFF COURSE.

JASON: The Queue Jumper, ladies and gentlemen.

THE OLD LADY REACHES THE END OF THE RUNWAY WHERE SHE IS FLANKED BY TWO SHOP LIFTING DETECTION PANELS. SHE PUSHES THE TROLLEY BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THEM IN THE MANNER OF A TRADITIONAL LAWN MOWER.

SOUND FX: BEEP-BEEP-BEEP BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

JASON: The Bank Holiday Voyager.

A LADY ENTERS PUSHING A HUGE TROLLEY WITH A CRANE JIB AND GRAB BUCKET ATTACHMENT. THE HUGE TROLLEY HAS TO WAIT TO ALLOW THE OLD LADY TO RETURN UP THE RUNWAY.

JASON: Not a trolley, ladies and gentlemen. A portable abyss!

THE LARGE TROLLEY REACHES THE END OF THE RUNWAY AND IS THEN JOINED BY THE OTHER TROLLEYS TO FORM A GROUP POSE.

JASON: And now the creator, ladies and gentlemen. All the way from Milan, createaur du trolley, Fabrizzi McClarren!

FABRIZZI, WEARING A GOLD SUIT, RIDICULOUS WIG AND BEAMING A RADIANT GRIN, MINCES DOWN THE RUNWAY PUSHING A VERY SMALL TROLLEY.

JASON: Fabrizzi McClarren, ladies and gentlemen.

FABRIZZI TAKES THE APPLAUSE.

THERE IS A DISTURBANCE IN THE AUDIENCE, A PROTESTOR APPEARS.

PROTESTOR: What about the small trader? What about high street shops that are being squeezed to extinction because of all these mega retail stores, eh?

THE LIGHTS DIM AND A SPOT LIGHT CENTRES ON THE STAGE CURTAINS. THEY SWISH OPEN TO A FANFARE OF TRUMPETS REVEALING A TALL MAN WEARING A TURBAN AND HEAVY OVERCOAT. THE MAN WALKS TO THE END OF THE RUNWAY AS THE SHOPPING TROLLEYS PART TO LET HIM THROUGH. THERE IS A DRUM ROLL AND THE MAN REACHES INSIDE HIS COAT, THRUSTING FORWARD…

A WIRE FRAME SHOPPING BASKET

JASON: Ladies and gentlemen. The Ali Baba!

End of broadcast

The Tented Paddock

Lord Roberts, owner of Passing Clouds, announces a new and exciting initiative:

"The Tented Paddock"

Here at Passing Clouds we are keenly aware of constraints which may be affecting many would-be future residents of our six star retreat. Whilst luxury has been a term closely linked with PC, our wishes are that no closed door should be a barrier to those who seek to enjoy the unique ambience we have to offer. Therefore, The Tented Paddock has been created with a view to ease the financial headache, that hitherto, kept a section of the public at bay from the welcome of our site.

The Tented Paddock allows for an affordable option to stand on the first rung of an experience we hope will eventually lead to the more ‘fixed’ accommodation available here.

Please note, entry to Hunters Golf Club and Rhiannons Beauty Spa will be strictly on an invitation only basis.

                     The Tented Paddock - Affordable Luxury

The Dolphinarium

Ming and Tabetha, reunited. (archive photo)

It’s a warm welcome back to Ming and Tabetha following their return from the Birkenhead Emulsifier plant on the Wirral and the successful operation to remove the yellow growth on the side of Ming’s beak.

More good news was the reopening of the dolphinarium and the Board of Trade approval on the welding repairs to the side of the tank.

So, it’s business as usual and feeding time will be held every afternoon at four o’clock. This will be for Tabetha only, at the moment, as Ming is currently being fed through a tube. But hey! Why not throw a few fish through the old kitchen blender and give Ming a treat too!

It’s party time, folks!

All Aboard!

Mike Kilo Victor One takes to the skies

Mike Kilo Victor One, Passing Clouds’ preserved Vulcan bomber, is rolling out for a summer spree of aerial excursions and seat of the pants mayhem.

Thirty minute trips from Heron Gwlad, our very own aerodrome, are scheduled for the coming months and will take in stunning views of Penmaenmawr and the Great Orme during a breathtaking sweep over Liverpool Bay and the Irish Sea.

People still chuckle over the slight hiccup during last winter's 'Santa Special' when a thermo nuclear device simulator accidentally slipped out of the bomb bay over Rhyl. Not so, Tiger Roberts, Mike Kilo’s pilot and senior maintenance engineer. “It could have been a passenger!” he warned, cleverly twiddling a universal metric ratchet in his experienced crafts-manlike hands.

The summer schedule kicks off with a fully booked flight celebrating the wedding of Mike and Sue Peach (both airline pilots who own a Caravelle Super 48 footer on the retreat) The matrimonial bond is being timed for a surprise, simulated bomb run over Penmaenmawr’s Golden Gyro pub, where the happy couple first met, and will doubtless be cheered by many cowering well wishers from the darts team in the Gyro’s car park below.

The remainder of the summer flights feature a galaxy of stars who will perform live in-flight entertainment for your enjoyment. Topping the bill will be old favourite and singing legend, Tony Fondle! Followed by a special quiz night extravaganza, featuring questions themed on the cold war.

So what are you waiting for?

Tickets available from Heather Roberts at reception. Ext 4385

Tiger Roberts (right) pilot and senior maintenance engineer of Mike Kilo Victor One, thanking ground crew and security staff following the recent overhaul of the mighy Vulcan.

Hello Charlie!

Dring-Dring!

It’s Charlie Chumpy, folks. ‘The deranged gynaecologist’ who’ll be pedalling his scooter round the retreat this Summer with tricks and treats up his sleeve to entertain kids of all ages – yes grandma – we mean you too!

Don’t forget to give him a wave, Kids.